Paul Books Wrestlemania XXVII!

Right folks, basically, as we’ll be doing our predictions and that later on the ol’ ChairShot Podcast, I figured I’d have a go at booking the show match-by-match, not as how I think it will go, but how I think it should go.

SHEAMUS vs. DANIEL BRYAN

Going under the assumption that this will open the show (I actually believe the Rock will open with a brief promo, but I think he should be kept for later on, when the show naturally lulls a bit in the middle), I think they’re just going to have these guys go all out, to get the crowd all riled up and excited for the night to come. I’d have Bryan crack out all the old indie spots, just to give the crowd something special (cattle mutilation, MMA Elbows, etc), and actually have them mean something, like Sheamus is in legit peril. Also the big dive to the outside is a must. As far as a finish goes, I think Sheamus has to go over, though not necessarily in the cleanest manner. I’ll say Sheamus just gets to the ropes to break the LeBell lock, and while the ref breaks the hold, Sheamus pulls Bryan into the turnbuckle and gets the win with a roll up. This can lead to future rematches down the line.

JERRY LAWLER vs. MICHAEL COLE

Well obviously, after having Sheamus win by the skin of his teeth, it’s time to give the fans what they want. Cole to come out in full on amateur wrestling gear and robe, maybe MMA gloves just to stick it to the smarter fans. Swagger to attack Lawler straight away and Lawler & Austin dispose of him. Cole tries to run away, but is blocked on the ramp by all the people he has wronged over the year (JR, Bryan, Eve, Truth, etc). They launch him back into the ring where he is piledriven to hell. Austin & King celebrate with beers & stunners to Cole & Swagger. JR takes over on commentary for the rest of the show.

REY MYSTERIO vs. CODY RHODES

Time for another happy ending as Mysterio unmasks Rhodes, hits him with a 619 and sends him packing. I think this match should be all Rhodes trying to unmask Mysterio until he himself is unmasked. Rhodes then runs around trying to cover his face, gets a dropkick up the arse which sends him into the ropes, 619 & springboard splash for the win. All while JR bellows “BAH GAWD THE FACE ON RHODES, THE HUMANITY!!!!

CORRE vs. THE GOON SQUAD

Corre must win here, or they are even more worthless than I had thought. From the looks of it, Kozlov is out, THANK CHRIST, so I’d stick Diesel in here. Kofi is the obvious choice to replace the cumbersome Ukrainian, but let’s face it; no one gives a flying fuck about Kofi Kingston anymore. At least with Big Daddy Cool you’re guaranteed a big ol’ pop. Of course, his actual involvement in the match must be minimal, until he gets the hot tag, destroys everyone and pins Slater after a Jackknife Powerbomb. Santino, Kane & Big Show then do the trumpet dance, so Diesel also beats them up. ‘Cos he is cool and wouldn’t resort to such shenanigannery.

JOHN MORRISON, TRISH & SNOOKI vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER & LAYCOOL

I’d have Vicky interfere early and have the Raw GM actually insert her into the match, making it a 4 on 3. Snooki of course gets the pin on Vicky for the TMZ front page via a Canadian Destroyer from the top turnbuckle. Or a Thesz Press. Whatever

RANDY ORTON vs. CM PUNK

After what will probably be a long uneventful Randy Orton babyface match, the ref will take a big bump off a wayward Punk springboard forearm. The match will continue as normal, with Orton hitting an RKO and, seeing that there’s no ref, will set up for the punt, until who should show up, but Skip Sheffield & Michael Tarver! They attack, but of course Orton fights them off and throws them from the ring, only to turn into a GTS! The ref awakes to count the pin and Punk retreats with his new running buddies as Orton looks on!

EDGE vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO

So we’re going to have Christian and Brodus Clay in the corners of either man eh? Suppose that’s got to play in to the finish. I wouldn’t necessarily have Christian screw Edge as have him unintentionally distract Edge for long enough for Del Rio to lock in the armbar and pick up the win, leaving Christian and Edge to contemplate their mistake. Of course this would lead to the swerve down the road, BUT NOT THE ONE YOU MAY THINK, as Edge will eventually become increasingly upset with Christian, leading to a triple threat match at the next PPV, where Edge will turn on Christian and allow Del Rio to score the pinfall to retain. This is the way to go because Edge is a shitty face and Christian is a great face.

TRIPLE H vs. UNDERTAKER

I think this one should be kept as free from interference as possible. Having Shawn Michaels or anyone else run down during the match will only dilute it. Undertaker obviously to win, after Triple H comes close on multiple occasions, even getting desperate enough to bring out the ol’ SLEDGEHAMMER to a huge pop. Undertaker of course will kick out of the Hammer shot, and will win with a Tombstone Piledriver onto the steel steps, which will have been brought into the ring for some reason. Shawn Michaels will come down afterwards, pass the Undertaker on the ramp, have a brief stare down, and will accompany the EMTs as they put HHH on a stretcher to take him off to the hospital. Truly, he has died trying.

JOHN CENA vs. THE MIZ

This is the one for the newspaper front page. The match itself I can see being pretty low on heat, as everyone would be waiting for the Rock, so I’d actually have him at ringside the whole time, in as sort of Guest Enforcer / Commentator deal. After Riley is ejected, the Miz will send the ref sprawling, and Rock will take over, ejecting Riley is his own violent fashion. Miz will play up to The Rock, like they’re best mates. Of course Rock will then blast Miz with the Rock Bottom etc and count his shoulders down after an AA, like a good ref. No STF here, cos that move is fuckin' abysmal.

After the match Cena & Rock have a stare down and Mike Tenay and Tazz scream “WHUH HUH WELL YA BEDDA WATCH THE TV COS GOD KNOWS ITS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PPVS A WHUH HUH HUH!”

- Paul Griffin, April 2011

Paul Griffin

Podcast producer & site admin.