TNA Impact Review - 05/08/2010

Go home show for Hardcore Justice. The ECW Reunion Show takes place this Sunday.

They aired a recap of Tommy Dreamer doing the job in a hardcore match. Remember that one time that happened.

Tonight's card features: Dreamer and RVD vs. Abyss and Raven.

Dreamer opens the show. His music is up there with Team 3D's as the most obnoxious WWE knock-offs. Why can't the just record new awesome stuff like Kurt Angle's? Anyway, some new plants this week: Some geeks in the front row are dancing to Dreamer's horrible music. Tommy says in his angry voice that Raven has some explaining to do. It's like he's shocked this has happened. "Why man?" says Dreamer. "You know what this means to me". "We were friends, we were enemies". "My kids call you Uncle Scotty". Read those lines to yourself. Pretty dramatic stuff. Pretty cliche too, but to be fair, it has been a long ass blood feud. Tommy Dreamer sounded like John Morrison here. These are my lines. I'm going to say them. Then I'm going to move on. The crowd chanted "Uncle Scotty". Not taking this seriously, in the slightest. Dreamer looked annoyed. Raven says he's annoyed about Dreamer taking his woman a decade ago. Raven said he acted like Dreamer's friend to get close to him. He wanted to see Dreamer get invested in something, just so Raven could tear it all down. Have I missed something? What exactly has Raven done to ruin this project that Tommy is invested in? Is the pay per view called off? All I saw was Raven hitting that man with a chair. He could have done that at any time. This was just a case of the old TNA "swerve for the sake of a swerve". Then Raven said he was going to beat Dreamer at "Hard Justice". What the fuck is "Hard Justice"? Then he said he'd fuck Beulah. They had a brawl on the ramp and Abyss made the save. RVD made the save for Dreamer with a chair. RVD and Abyss brawled to the back. Raven DDT'd Dreamer on the ramp. Foley came out with some barbed wire...

Foley hit Raven with the barbed wire and said at, and again I quote, "Hard Justice" Foley will referee the last ever Dreamer-Raven match.

1. I doubt it'll be the last ever.

2. What the fuck is Hard Justice?

Seriously, there's a big-ass screen behind you with "HARDCORE JUSTICE, THIS SUNDAY" on it. Anyway, typical TNA talking segment. A million things happened, people ran in, it wasn't well written, it wasn't interesting. It ended. The people loved Foley, I'll say that much.

Tenay got the name of the PPV right, before running down the card. Match four of the tag series is tonight, and it's Ultimate X. Flair vs. Lethal in a street fight, with Fortune barred from ringside.

The Beautiful People's music hit. I remember when this used to mean; "best segment of the night coming up!" This group used to be the hottest act in the company. At least it was for me. They would come out. They'd shake their asses, they'd paper bag some ugly chick and they'd cut a promo on how awesome they were. Perfect. Now it's just another TNA women's angle where everyone is a "bitch" or a "slut" or "doesn't have as nice an ass as me". To think  people accuse TNA of women hating. Anyway, at least one thing hasn't changed:

Tenay says this is a title match. Would have been nice if Borash announced it as such. They take on Taylor Wilde and... Hamada. Hamada everyone! Hamada gets a "welcome back" chant. Because she hasn't been on TV for months. Tenay is talking about how Taylor went recruiting when she was told she had a title shot. How the fuck does she have that title shot? She's spent the last month beating up her own tag team partner? Anyway... notice how many times I have to say "anyway" in these TNA reviews. I keep getting derailed trying to figure out what is happening on this show. Anyway, this match was typical by TNA women's standards. The crowd just loved Hamada. And she is indeed awesome. She did a headbutt. A headbutt! I would pay to see Kelly Kelly do/take a headbutt. Lacey is still horrible. Unable to bump and with NO sense of timing. There's a problem I've noticed in Knockout tag matches. Someone will get the hot tag and no one will be there to feed the "hot" partner. Kinda what happened here. Hamda knocked Lacey down. Lacey took a horrible bump. She took forever to get to her feet and then looked at Hamada as if to say "what now?". Hamada just shouted "COME ON!" and Lacey ran at her and took another terrible bump. Was Lacey in the room when they went over this match? She cut off Hamada with a wretched spin kick and tagged in Velvet. Lacey did a standing backflip, which was nice, and followed it up with a shitty elbow drop, which was not. Ironically, the elbow drop just looked like a standard wrestling bump. "What the hell was that?" says Taz. Lacey took a shitty German (with a bridge) from Taylor. God this is horrible. Madison stood on the ramp. Biker chick showed up. Taz and Tenay joked that they now knew it was a woman cos she had her tits showing. I love these two. They did the most awkward ref bump ever, with Velvet accidentally slapping Slick Johnson, apparently so hard that he was knocked loopy. Motorcycle girl gave Lacey a chair. Lacey got it kicked in her face and pinned. New champs; Hamada and Taylor. I think these tag titles are only ever actually featured on the show when they want to do a change. They are the most useless props in wrestling. Taking that into consideration, I can't really say it matters that Hamada just returned to win them for no reason. This sucked bad. At least it continued the disintegration of the BPs as a group.

TV title time. Yes, another title bout. WHY NOT!? Kaz is accompanying AJ to the ring. These two look like the biggest pair of second rate dorks.

AJ is out in his Flair robe, and Kaz has his hair slicked back and is wearing his attempted Four-Horsemen suit. I was gonna say these fuckers are stuck in 1998, but that's if you want to count one of the many Horsemen resurgences. These geeks are stuck in the 1980s. Anyway, Earl ejects Kaz. Why? Not like he's a threat. Rob Terry clotheslines both guys out of the ring. See? Terry presses AJ back into the ring. Strong lad, this Terry. He really is... freaky looking. Good nickname then. They had your basic "me big man, me smash" match. AJ bumped all over the place for the guy. Sold like a pro. Which is great, if you're a face. Terry sold almost nothing. AJ bumped into Earl Hebner and kicked Terry in the yambags. Two matches, two title bouts, two ref bumps. Then AJ hit the pele to a huge reaction. This man has no clue how to be a heel. Heels don't do "KEWL MOVEZ". AJ won with the 450.

We had one of these realistic little video packages with Kurt talking about his quest to take down the top ten rankings. He looked old. Fucking old. Regardless this was a nice little package.

Jay Lethal was backstage boasting about how he beat Flair. He said Kurt Angle told him he needs to be a man. He said he'd man up in the street fight.

Video package for the free-per-view next week, highlighting the Janice on a poll/ladder match thing. Well, kinda.

They didn't say that was the gimmick they just said it will be the most extreme match ever. Maybe there was a change of plans.

Backstage, another well written women's segment. Velvet and Madison were fighting and security was trying to break it up. Lacey took a bump and played dead as Velvet called Madison a bitch and said something about her ass. Then Velvet, her blind rage subsiding, noticed Lacey was like... dead or something. She was actually not moving. Velvet said, quote; "OH SH*T, OH SH*T, OH SH*T, ON SH*T". She demanded an ambulance be called. Cut away.

Back at ring side, Tenay and Taz weren't bothered.

Ultimate X. Bobby Roode cut a promo. He put both teams over and said they redefined tag team wrestling. True enough. Roode said they wanted to be the best in the world, and to do so they needed to defeat the Guns at their own game and get their fourth tag title win. Sabin said the Guns were the best in the world. The fans did the Bryan Danielson chant. Sabin's voice is kinda whiny. Roode said let's stop talking and do it. Should be TNA's motto.

Back from break, the match is under way. Guns ran wild early hitting a GORGEOUS synchronized dive to the floor. Beer Money eventually cut them off but there was a problem. Neither wanted to climb. Seriously. Roode was scared of heights and Storm was making the drinking hand sign, as if to say he was too drunk to climb. Why would you sell a high risk spectacle match on the idea that half the match wont be able to climb? Anyway, they were cut off and they went back to wrestling on the ground. Beer Money has some great tag team offence. Anyway, Robert Roode forgot he was afraid of heights and nearly got the X. I dunno why they did this as his being up there did not play into the match at all. He didn't do a spot, he was just pulled down and then Shelley did some moves and he was down. The match kept going and I kept seeing people climbing. I kept waiting and waiting for someone to do something with the wires. Every time they'd climb, they'd get yanked down. Sabin finally was in the corner and and did a hurricanrana off the top rope on Storm, but he was holding the wires before he did it. I guess that counts. Beer Money tried to do a spot where Roode climbed but also stood on Storm's shoulders. The Guns dropped Roode on Storm. Crowd said "this is awesome". It really isn't. Shelley hit his Sliced Bread on the apron. That was awesome. Roode... who is supposed to be afraid of heights. Climbed the big structure and went HIGHER than the X. He then, walked the rope. Psychology fail. He got crotched and fell to the ring. Sabin got the X. Silly match, kinda disappointing. Still fun though.

Coming next, Bischoff and Hogan are making an announcement.

Video package putting over Hardcore Justice. At least the video package editors/Voice over people got it right. This, of course, featured:

It's so awkward watching this and knowing they cant say ECW. They keep alluding to "hardcore wrestling" and the "hardcore legends" and this, that and the other. Just tip toeing around it. Dreamer says he doesn't have a specific "hardcore memory". Rhyno says the PPV means a lot to him. He sounded so tired. Like Tommy in the opening promo, he just had lines to say, he said them and he told you to fuck off if you wanted to hear a little feeling or enthusiasm. Foley said for a lot of these guys, it's THEIR time. DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH. Their time was ten fucking years ago, as you've said on the show many times. Stevey Richards was talking about how you hear all the time about opportunities in the wrestling business, but so often they're misleading. But Dixie Carter has really given them an opportunity with this show. This was like a promo I'd expect Alex Shelley to cut on all the opportunities there are for young guys in TNA. The irony being it was Stevey Richards talking about an ECW reunion show. This thing kept going and going, and they kept spewing their shite. I can't even be bothered to keep recapping it or taking the piss out of it.

They then ran the fucking COMMERCIAL for the show. It still has the voice over of Abyss saying "when THEY get here, TNA will never be the same" even though we now know THEY are not the ECW geeks.

Wait... turns out this fucking segment isn't over. After the commercial, Dixie is still talking. Okay now it's over. This sucked the life out of me.

Hogan, Bischoff and the girl came out. Being on the show much more sparingly has done Hogan wonders. I really don't mind seeing him come to the ring for an announcement. Nothing wrong with every show having this type of authority figure on a show. Bischoff is talking about the "Whole F*N Show" next week. Turns out they are still doing the Janice ladder match thing. He says he'll be the referee and it's a Stairway to Janice match. That clears up the rules. By which it means it clears up the rules for me, a smark, who knows what that means. Basically, it's a pole match. Whoever grabs the thing gets to use it, but they don't win. Wins are attained by pinfall or submission. The difference being the weapon is hanging from the roof and attained via ladder. We also get match five of the tag series "FOR FREE!" Bischoff enthuses. As opposed to the street fight, ladder match, cage match and Ultimate X matches we had to pay for? What is the appeal of this?  AJ vs. Kurt. Madison vs. Angelina (no reaction). Jeff's open challenge. Morgan vs. Anderson vs. Pope. Looks alright, to be fair.

Out comes Kevin Nash.

Ms. Tessmacher bails. What's Nash gonna do, fuck her? Nash says he finally gets to talk to Hogan and Bischoff. He's pissed that he's not on that card. Hogan breaks it down for him. He says Nash needs to open his eyes and realise that all the old fucks (he even name drops himself) have stepped back and Nash should do the same. Hogan says its Lethal's time, and AJs, and the Guns, and Beer Money. I hope the irony of this segment isn't lost on anyone. These fuckers are so desperate to be known as the company with the young stars that Hogan and Nash are out there wasting time, arguing about all the new young stars on the show. Hogan says Big Sexy's politics and shit are done. Kev accuses Hogan of the same. Bischoff says that's been Kev's whole career. What is the point of any of this? Just one big inside reference. Nash does the Gran Torino thing of how he's not to be messed with. Then he shoves Bischoff and he fights with Hulk.

They have a shitty brawl where, and I love this, Nash does the same spots he does in all his matches. He gets Hulk in the corner and does those knee strikes he loves so much. Why is Hulk doing this? This poor bastard just had back surgery. Nash gets the chair and threatens to powerbomb Hogan. He decides to just hit him. Jeff Jarrett makes the save. Yes Jeff Fucking Jarrett. Lets just get Flair out here. BETTER, they get Sting. Who is suspended, I believe. In the funniest thing that happened all night, Jarrett turned around and picked up the chair. The chair was in front of Sting. Jarrett did not see Sting and proceeded to go for Nash but Sting clocked him with the bat. ATTACKED FROM BEHIND (almost)!!! Sting had red face paint. Yes, Sting is now in the Wolf-Pac... I guess. He hits poor Hogan with the chair and the geeks chant "why Sting why?".

Christy asked for answers from the new Wolf-Pac. She got nothing.

Because it was so fantastic last week:

I'm just so unbelievably unhappy right now. I mean seriously. This show is just beyond fucking awful. I can't tolerate any shitty "wink wink, he's molesting him" mat wrestling. OJ faces Pope. They replay the Nash angle before the match kicks off. Taz and Tenay are still discussing it as Orlando Jordan makes a "let me suck your dick" motion at Pope. He tries to wipe his spit on Pope, Pope shoves him. I can't believe this company actually exists. Lets make a heel character who's a heel because he's a perverse gay guy. How fucking backwards can you get. They work towards the corner and OJ starts grinding on Pope. This is actually pathetic. This is pathetic television. Young came to ringside and was gathering up the fake money they throw for Pope's entrance. It wasn't funny. OJ, who was beating on Pope, is distracted and this allows Pope to make his comeback and pick up the win. Complete shit.

Morgan ran out and beat on Pope. Then Anderson makes the save with a chair. Morgan bails. I've said before, Morgan's presence in this feud just winds me up. I like the Anderson/Pope dynamic. Out comes Gunner and Murphy, the two worst wrestlers in TNA, who are dressed as security. They get in Anderson's face. Segment ends. What?

Christy is interviewing Flair. The gimmick is; if Fortune interfere, Flair is suspended without pay. Like Joe (satire). Flair cuts a Flair promo on Lethal. All good stuff here.

Street Fight time. Flair is gonna wrestle in his suit. Awesome! More Flair greatness. They had the wackiest match ever. Lethal was de-clothing Flair early. Tore off his jacket. Tore off his shit. Gave him some of his own chops. Lethal fucking KILLED Flair with a vicious cane shot to the head.  Flair, of course, bladed. Lethal was not getting any real reaction against Flair. The crowd loved Flair. Lethal was just a geek to them. And to be fair, since he pinned Flair, Lethal has been off TV except for that week when he lost clean to Jeff Hardy. So why should they care? Naturally enough we get this:

I don't care how many times I see it. I will always laugh at the Flair flop. Douglas Williams came to ringside. He's the X champion. I had completely forgotten until I saw him. Flair did a second Flair flop. Way to prove me wrong Ric. Twice in thirty seconds isn't recommended. Jay tore off Ric's pants and whipped him with his belt. Then he completely took his pants off and one of his shoes and socks.

Once again, the TNA tapings report mislead me. This was put over as a really funny, entertaining spectacle. It really really wasn't. It was just very sad. And obviously it's just the one guy who sent the report to the Observer that loved this because there was really no heat for it as it went on. Flair did a third flop. No reaction. Just came off as a bit of a piss take on Flair's part. Lethal didn't seem over-joyed either.

Flair went up top. He got caught and took a superplex. Williams broke up the pin. Lethal took him out. Flair got his ass out. This was just... pitiful. I mean, the Victory Road match, that was comedy.  But this is just overkill. Hebner helped pull up Flair's tights. As he was doing so, Williams took out Lethal with the title. Why was the ref distracted? Williams isn't in Fortune and it's a street fight. Flair pinned Lethal. I say again; FLAIR. PINNED. LETHAL. Flair was fucking humiliated and embarrassed. And he won. And of course, this was him getting his win back. Sucks to be Lethal. Again.

RVD promo. Christy says we don't know RVD's opponent is for Hardcore Justice. Great sell for that show. This was every RVD promo ever. Then Jerry Lynn showed up, said he was facing RVD, acted like they were best buds and left. Segment ends. What a fucking job they are doing promoting this show.

Time for the main even. Fuck me.  This has been one for the ages. It's taken me the better part of an evening to watch this show and write this review. I don't care about all the great workers who'd lose their jobs, I want this company to die. Now.

Raven and Abyss brought some weapons with them. Dreamer had his MMA gloves though, so it was fair. They brawl on the ramp. Like Matt Hardy before him, Tommy switching from tracksuits to tights does him no favours. Taz mentions Beulah McGillicuddy. I wonder if she's any relation to Joe Hennig (lame joke, sorry). Match was not much. RVD got a hot tag and hit all his big moves.  He pinned Raven in the finish. Abyss did a post match beating. Stevey and Raven make the save. Abyss dispatches them all on his own. These guys who are selling the PPV on Sunday. Then 3D comes down but Raven takes them out. Lights go out. Sandman shows up and canes Abyss. Crowd goes nuts. They bring a beer case to the ring, but cut away before anything happens.

This show was one of the worst TV shows of the year. In a nut shell; fucking horrible. Another one of those TNA shows where I just want to turn it off, just a matter of minutes in.

2/10

Barry Murphy - August 2010

Paul Griffin

Podcast producer & site admin.